“Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.”

  I am in a good place right now.  I have no man in my life and no sign of one to come.  I am not at the weight I want to be nor do I look like I feel I should.  I have lots of things unaccomplished but I am at a good place.  How is that possible?  Sometimes I catch myself thinking, I am happy- really happy.  My life is good.  My kids are healthy.  I have a job I like.  I have interesting people in my life.  I have goals, dreams and desires.  How did I get here?  When I look back on last year, I was thinner, with a job I hated, and a very small circle of friends (2).  My kids were making me crazy and I was recovering from the end of a relationship with a man I really liked.  How did I get here?  What did I do differently?  Was it all the result of environmental changes or did I do something different?

I am a reflective person and I would like to know how these positive changes happened so I can recreate them when needed. 

So here goes with my speculations: 

1) Antidepressants
2) A low stress job
3) A fulfilling side job
4) Happy hour with girlfriends
5) Loving kids
6) An ex husband- who is a great dad
7) Self supporting
8) Lots of interests

Also, I am easy going.  I practice talking myself through things and often say, "How will getting upset help?"  It usually doesn't and so I don't.  I have had a few occasions to be justifiably upset and I chose not to be.  Examples:  Car was vandalized, ex husband stopped the child support, side swiped my own car, man I was seeing was a user and I can't fit into my favorite jeans. 

I have chosen in each situation to stop, reflect on the outcome of my reaction, and choose to say, "it will be ok...everything works out."  That is powerful!  I am powerful!  I can effect a change in my life for the better regardless of my circumstances.  If I want to be happy, I can be!

I choose happiness!

There is time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go. – Tennessee William

Back in control. It takes what it takes to get the lesson.  No one can tell you to do it differently- well they can try- but we all have to make our own journey.  

I am not through the wilderness of dating by a long shot but I am learning to navigate a bit better.  

I saw him this week- the Dr.   He is definitely not a nice guy- but I already knew that.  I just didn't want to know it.  I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say we had a really good time together for a few days this week.  I had hoped for a call or a text from him but got nothing and after spending some time rationalizing his behavior, making excuses for him and second guessing myself, it occurred to me, it has nothing to do with him.  It is up to me, if I am wasting time wondering what he is thinking or waiting for the an inkling of attention from him then it is on me.  I suddenly felt empowered.  I don't have to wait for him to make contact- I can assert myself.  So I wrote the text- it took me a few minutes of processing the possible outcomes -and then I sent it.  I said, "I'm done.  You can lose my # now. "  His response a couple hours later was total confirmation of my decision.  He said, "Okey dokey."  I have to laugh.  He just didn't say "Ok." He said "Okey dokey"  which was a bit insulting -but we are not dealing with a nice guy.

I feel strong and confident right now and this isn't just fluff.   It is a powerful feeling not waiting for someone to take care of me.  I can take care of myself.  I did good. 

“People are more important than things.” Randy Pausch

So he was having a meltdown, my oldest 7 year old - a tantrum like a 2 year old.  A very frustrating, attention seeking meltdown.  "I am so bored.  This is the worst day ever." Blah Blah Blah on and on he went.  I stopped hearing the content and just heard the incessant whining.  I attempted some new strategies instead of employing my normal one of yelling at him to calm down.   "How about you name 3 things that make you happy?"  I said.  He replied, "Nothing, nothing, and nothing."  Funny guy.  I tried again and this time he was able to say, "Pillow pet, bears, and the craft store."  Name 3 things you could do today?  He said, "Nothing, the craft store and the craft store."  

It appeared that he may need some mama love.  I gave him a hug and pulled him to my lap just like when he was a baby.  I cooed at him and sang "rock-a-bye -baby."  I continued to put on my makeup while he was on my lap. As I applied each item, he would comment, "Why do you wear lip liner?"  What? My 7 year old son knows that it's called lip liner?  Wow.  As I progressed through the process he knew the name of each and every item- eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara all of them except for the blush. (I'll forgive him that one).  I applied one eye at a time and he would give his opinion on which eye he liked better- the one with the shadow or the one without and so it went through the eyeliner and the mascara.  He ultimately liked me best with the makeup on. 

Why does my boy know all about my makeup?  Because, he is with me every morning- laying on the bed watching me- standing in the bathroom with me or wandering in and out.  My boy knows because he loves his mama.  He knows that the best things are not toys, stuffed animals or craft stores, they are people.  

I've always told my kids since they were little that, "People are more important that things."   My oldest 7 year old got that lesson. He got it good.

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” Maureen Dowd

It happened.  The Dr. contacted me.  It has been so long I lost track of time -maybe 5 weeks.  He texted "How u doing cutie?"  Hmmm how to respond?  Do I even respond?  Is it worthy of a response?  Arrgg!  So I said, "long time no see."  and he says "Yeah." Oh here we go, with the one word text.  So, I don't respond and he says, "U have some new tool." What?  What does that mean? Lord have mercy!  Why does he have to play games?? Can't he be direct?  What does he want? I respond, "??" and then he responds, "?"  Ok.  I give up...I'm done.  I refuse to keep up with the strange communication.  

Masterful.  He has me thinking about him when I had gotten him mostly out of my mind. Well, he isn't gonna win this one.  I am not responding! 

Meanwhile, during the course of this exchange, "Mr. Nice guy" texts me.  I went out with Mr. NG a few times- super sweet, thoughtful, but didn't have the heart palpitations that I had with the Dr. - he said the text he sent me was meant for his dad (if you say so) but we begin to catch up after 3 months of no contact.  He is the complete opposite of Dr. - complimentary, supportive, clear in his interest.  Why can't I be attracted to him instead of the Dr?  

And so it is...feast or famine, good guy vs bad guy.  What is the lesson?  That I am a weakling when it comes to the Dr?  No, it has to be more global than that.  

A man has to be fun, exciting, somewhat out if reach to keep me interested. It is in the pursuit - the chase -it isn't the person- it is the idea of them. and I have built the elusive Dr. up. He will always disappoint me.

I have an opportunity to do things differently this time.  This time the Dr. will have to work a little harder or at least use complete sentences.  I am too amazing to settle.  

So, until the next time...I am holding my ground and not responding to crumbs.

“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” ― Neil Gaiman,

So, an attractive guy was nice to me.

He was friendly, complimentary, and struck up a conversation about the college sweatshirt I was wearing. Yeah, I put on my best smile and worked the conversation the best I could.  I looked for all the signs that he was off limits -didn't see any -he even suggested that a topic we were discussing was a story for another day.  I was encouraged.  

He was a father.  His daughter is in the same Daisy troop as my daughter.  Later, I asked my 7 year old daughter as slyly as I could, was he married?  She said "yeah, mommy he is."  I said I didn't see a ring.  She said, "He had one on..and he told us in the car he was married."  Somehow, I didn't believe my little princess, so I texted another parent in the group and got the scoop that he was in fact married.

Bummer.

Geez, so men can be friendly, complimentary, and focus the conversation on you without wanting anything. Wow. 

I have to admit, it was nice for a few minutes to have some attention.  I need the practice having those conversations.  I need to be friendly, complimentary, and focus the conversation on others without a motive.  It was a good lesson for me.  

I am still a bummed...it's not everyday I have a conversation with an attractive guy.

But..tomorrow is a new day.

That was that.

 The face distracted me and brought up questions that aren't appropriate to ask.  What happened to your face?  Genetic abnormality, freak accident, acid? So I refrained. He asked questions about me and my life.  We had a typical date-type conversation, although we weren't on one.  It was one of those situations where you go with the flow and are open to what comes.  I had dared a friend to talk to a cute guy and here we were in his apartment.  The cute guy and the face.  The cute guy ended up being an opinionated jerk and the face - a nice guy.  
  I tried to look in his eyes and not focus on the nose that seemed to be missing. Did okay for a bit.  He offered to walk me to my car- I said sure- he would have asked me out - and I might have said yes- but when you go with the flow and don't force things -it happens like it is supposed to and well it didn't happen. 
So the face and the cute guy walked us to the car and that was that.

“Women fall in love when they get to know you. Men are just the opposite. When they finally know you they're ready to leave” ― James Salter

In my unwanted and abrupt travel through singlehood, my focus has been finding a man- a relationship.  I have been on and off the dating sites for the past 1 1/2 yrs.  
Results: Poor
Don't get me wrong, I have met some interesting men. Men that were beyond sweet, beyond appealing and many, many men that were beyond forgettable. In my attempts to meet men, I started joining groups: activity groups, singles groups, and women's groups.  An interesting thing happened, I met some people, but not men.  I met some great women.  I met fascinating, successful, attractive, smart and super fun women.  I have had more fun with these women in the past month than I have had on most of my dates the past 1 1/2 yrs.
And mama needs to have fun.  
I have been in my bubble even through the dating...afraid of to be open, to be real, to be myself but not with these women.  I can be insecure, clumsy, crazy, quiet and it's okay.  Now, That is Awesome.  
Results: Excellent
Isn't that what it's about, finding people that accept you for you? So, in my attempts to live the beautiful life, here's to the women! You rock!